Conflict skills for people who hate conflict
What. Conflict is not fun. It scares me, the potential for conflict causes me to tense up. I hate the feeling of tightness in my stomach. The anticipation that someone will be angry with me. I don’t like disappointing people, fights or confrontation.
Why. Despite this, I persist to bring things up because intellectually I know that conflict is an opportunity to learn and grow. And often, this has been true. Much of the time, when we’re upset there is an unmet or unrecognized need in the background that fuels feelings of anger and upset.
How. There are three things I remember about conflict that help me. The first is that conflict is a desire for relationship or a connection, most of the time. We engage with and get infuriated by people with whom we have some interest.
The second thing is that the conflict somehow exists inside us. Julie Diamond says that “you can’t have a conflict on the outside that isn’t first on the inside.” People bother us because there is some “juice”, they hit a trigger or issue that is important to us.
The last thing I remember is that the person who is upset (or both of us) probably have an important thing to say, express or ask for, but we are doing it unskilfully. If we were able to take a moment and see all the sides, we might be a bit more skillful about it.
Going into a conflict with an openness to learn, and maybe resolve it, requires courage. Here are some steps that might help.
Take a few breaths. Remember that you’ve been in hundreds or thousands of conflicts in your life. And you’ll be in many more. This is just one more. No more important than any other. Notice tension in your body and keep breathing. Feel your feet, the chair, whatever you feel in your body.
First step is to be curious about the conflict. Think about the disagreement or fight differently. Think of it as something that is happening that is not just bad, but also has useful information. Use the biggest, most open and welcoming part of yourself to look at the conflict (your role too!) and notice what is happening. What are the people fighting about? How are they doing it? What’s similar and different about the people in the conflict? What’s the issue that is unsaid?
Look for the different “sides”. Can you relate to both sides, even in the tiniest way? Not necessarily what someone is doing or demanding, but what they stand for, or the way they stand for it.
If you see something on the other side, share it. If you see a deeper need on your side, share that too.
Remember to keep breathing. Stay in your body and breathe.
Learning how to facilitate your own conflicts is difficult. It takes practice, so try it with easy things that don’t have much charge. More about conflict next week.